Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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