my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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