yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
