My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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