I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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