Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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