Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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