I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
