You smell like stripper and shame
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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