My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
