I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
