god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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