So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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