I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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