8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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