yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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