So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
