ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I need moral support for this bender
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
