my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
