im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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