That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
