never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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