4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
