I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
