the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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