Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
