true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
