You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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