I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
