She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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