the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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