My sheets look like a crime scene.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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