I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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