He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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