you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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