Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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