sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
