You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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