just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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