Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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