drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
