My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
