I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My life is pants optional.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
