we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward