I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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