My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
