dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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