2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
zippers are such a cool invention
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
