How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
