I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
