i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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