Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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