when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
