Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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