I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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