so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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